Couples Counselling

I often hear people say relationships are not meant to be hard work, and if you love each other, being in a relationship should be easy. The truth is all relationships requires effort and can face difficult times, and romantic relationships are no different. Life is not like a romantic film or like the millions of photos you see on social media that promote relationship goals.  If we are honest, life is a series of ups and down and it is messy, complicated, monotonous, and because of that, most of us in a long-term romantic relationship could do with a bit of professional help from time to time.

It is impossible to put an exact figure on how many couples seek help for their relationships each year, but I would guess it is in its thousands. The divorce rate figure in England and Wales for 2019 was 107,599 for opposite-sex couples and 822 for same-sex couples. That figure is just the divorce rate that does not include civil partnerships or those couples who have separated that were not married.

Most people have ideas or hold beliefs about couples counselling, and many only think they need it when their relationship gets really bad and hits that crisis point of ‘make or break’.  Research suggests that most couples wait seven years before seeking help from a professional. Waiting seven years to get help when things are going wrong in a relationship is a long time for resentment to build up and a lot of damage can be done to you, your partner, and your relationship in that time.

In my experience as a couple’s counsellor, majority of the couples who have found their experience in couples counselling useful, tell me that they wish they had sought help sooner, rather than leaving things to reach crisis point.

There does seem to be a growing trend for younger people to invest in couples counselling much sooner than couples in their forties, fifties and older. This may be due to younger people feeling less stigma attached to talking to a professional about emotional issues than those who are older. Also, there is the point to consider that younger people may not buy into the notion that you stay in a relationship out of obligation, and they have adopted the concept that you only stay in relationships that are healthy and loving and it is okay to leave a relationship that is no longer working.

There are many reasons why couples will come into counselling, whatever the presenting issues are, fights and arguments, affairs, intimacy, family matters. Communication is often the real problem. Unfortunately, most of us don’t go into relationships with all the tools we need to navigate a successful and healthy long-term relationship.

We learn how to communicate our needs and how family systems operate from having watched those around us while growing up. Our parents and caregivers will have shown us how they communicated their needs, how they resolved conflict and how they managed feelings and emotions.  When you enter into a romantic relationship you have 2 people who will have experienced differing family systems and styles of communication and it is these different styles and systems that can then get tricky when they come together and start to create their own dynamics in that relationship.  Something as simple as household chores that seem relatively easy and straightforward enough to agree on can end up causing disagreement and resentment in the long run. It is these disagreements and resentments that can fester and eat away at us long enough to lead to an unhappy and loveless relationship.

How you manage differing opinion and conflict is a sticking point for some relationships. It is fair to say that all couples will disagree and have verbal fights; that is normal. It is important to keep in mind how you fight? Do you fight fair? Or do you blame, shame, throw insults, shout and yell, shut the other person down or refuse to talk at all? None of these behaviours are helpful and they do not create healthy relationships. A healthy couple will respectfully address issues, talk them through, and make plans together about how their problems get resolved so that neither person feels compromised.

You might be wondering if couples counselling can save your relationship. With the right tools, effort, commitment, and goodwill from both parties, I believe that all relationships can be repaired. A few factors that you may want to consider before starting couples counselling is: –

Do you really want to save your relationship? Or are you going through the motions to show that you are trying everything you can so that you can appease any guilt or shame.

Do you both want to save your relationship, or is one of you more invested in couples counselling than the other?

Do both of you agree there is a problem? Sometimes one side will be happier and more content with their relationship than the other.

Are you both prepared to put in the time and effort needed to achieve happier and healthier relationships?

Do you consider that your partners behaviour that is the problem and feel that if your partner changes, everything would be alright? One of the biggest reasons couples counselling is unsuccessful is that one partner thinks it is the other partner with the problem. If you both want happier and healthier relationships, it is vital to consider what you can both do to achieve it?

Is there abuse of violence in the relationship? If there is, you will need to consider that you are not really trying to save your relationship; you want to put an end to someone physically and emotionally hurting you. There are specialist support agencies available to help you safely leave violent and abusive relationships.

There is also a financial commitment to couples counselling to consider. Private couples counselling may not be cheap but think about how much money you might be spending on gifts, meals out and weekend always in an attempt to put your relationship back on track. And of course, if you are married or living together consider the financial cost of separating or divorcing if the relationship ends?

There is no right amount of time that couples need to attend counselling. Somewhere between 6 – 12 is average. It can be the start of a much longer process of discovery and learning for some couples, and for others, they only need a few sessions to help them through a rough or sticky patch.

Whatever the reason for seeking help, however big or small your problem feels, seeking help can the best step you take to improving your relationship. Finding a counsellor who is suitable for you and your partner is crucial. Look for someone who is not only experienced in couples work but is warm, approachable, and non-judgemental. A couples counsellor needs to be easy to talk to, candid and honest so that you can feel safe enough to express any issues and problems in your relationship.

Final word – Showing someone you love them is a choice. The choice to love is not a feeling. It is an action. Do you choose to love today? Then choose to act on it. Don’t choose to hide it.

Hayley Smith

bluebird counselling 2021