Be Strong ~ A Double Edged Sword.

In my work, it is not uncommon to hear my clients say that they are tired, exhausted, and at times feeling resentful of always being the strong one. Often asking the question, “what about me”?

It can be common to continually put others’ needs and feelings before their own, carrying on regardless, even when they are on their knees. Believing that strength means denying themselves what they are feeling and hiding from others how they actually feel.

There may be many reasons why this happens. If we take a moment to consider what society tells us about showing emotions. It tells us that strong people are stoic, suck it up types, and never complain about their situation, however upsetting or stressful. These beliefs can leave us feeling that showing any signs of ’emotional leakage’ will be viewed as a sign of weakness and struggling to cope.

Some have grown up in families where messages from caregivers/parents told them that showing emotion is bad or weak. Others may have grown up in a family where your parents were not available emotionally, and it became your job to support your parent’s emotional needs.  Showing your feelings in front of them could have negative consequences, and hiding your emotions became favourable to showing them.

These popular societal and familial beliefs can and do affect us all, to some degree or another. Have you ever noticed what comes up for you when someone around you shows their emotions in front of you? Do you try to make it better for them? Try to fix them? Do you look at them with contempt for showing weakness? Does it make you feel uncomfortable and try to change the subject or feel a sense of relief when they change the subject?

Have you noticed what comes up for you when you feel that you want to reach out to others or let others know how you feel? What comes up for you if you show your emotions in front of others? Are you overly critical of yourself, shaming yourself or belittling yourself for having feelings? Do you apologise? Do you worry that others will not like you or want to spend time with you?

If you identify with any of these feelings? You are not alone. These feelings can and do affect many of us.  The one thing that is for sure is every one of us has feelings. To be human is to experience emotions. No one gets to escape them; however hard we might try to deny them.

Don’t get me wrong; I am not saying being strong is always a bad thing. Being strong can help us get through tough times, and it can protect us. When we are strong, people will see us as reliable and dependent and being strong can enable us to achieve great things in our lives. However, constantly feeling like we must be strong, can be a double-edged sword –on one side protecting us and yet on the other side hurting us at the same time.

When we hide or deny our feelings, wearing a mask to the world, it tells others, I am strong, and nothing can break me. Understandably, people around us will view us as strong and unbreakable. The trouble with always appearing strong is no one considers that you might not be okay.

Life has a habit of throwing us around, and all of us go through difficult times, and when things in life get complicated, it can be even more exhausting to keep up the pretence that we are okay. Emotions like sadness, loneliness, jealousy, anger, frustration, and stress can be difficult and even painful, which does not feel good. When things don’t feel good, we try to distract ourselves or push these feelings down or away until we do not feel them anymore.

Excessive alcohol, drug, exercise, cleaning, work, and food can be coping strategies to help up remove ourselves from these difficult and painful feelings. However, these feelings do not go away, and the emotional turbulence you feel is still there until such a time that we cannot deny their existence anymore. The day will eventually come when these bottled-up feelings explode in an angry outburst, or you have an emotional breakdown or panic attacks.

What I have learned about strength is not what I thought and believed it was. I have learned that being strong means having the courage to admit to yourself and others that you may not be doing okay. I now know that being strong means you do not have to deny yourself your feelings – bottling them up like they are wrong or shameful.  I have learned that bottling up feelings and emotions and putting a brave face on leads eventually to explosive outbursts or cause internal damage (depression, anxiety, and physical health conditions). I have learned that gently leaning into your emotions is healthy. You might be wondering what leaning into your emotions means?  It means taking some time to consider what has led you to this point? What are the physical changes you feel? What are your emotions trying to tell you? Sitting with your thoughts and feelings allows you to be fully present and in the moment and helps you to experience the best and worst of how you might feel. I have learned that there are considerable benefits to self-understanding – it can be life-changing. When we learn to accept ourselves, we learn to understand others, too – what a bonus to the relationships we have with others!

Final note – Remember each and every one of us has feelings. It is what makes us human. Be Human. Be You.